“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
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I’m not average. I’m mean.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
the dark web is just a goth google.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.