[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
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CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.