My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
You Might Also Like
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.