i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
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“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Imma just leave this here…………
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.