95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
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A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
estão todos miauvindo?
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body