“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
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Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.