Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
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Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all