[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
You Might Also Like
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume