I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
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My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Basically.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.