My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
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welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
🤣dope
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?