Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
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The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
#oldknees
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people