I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk