Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
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me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.