Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
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“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
dutch is not a serious language
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”