Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
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once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Me irl
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
i wish we could shoplift online
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.