I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
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Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
peep davidson
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.