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HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
what does he know…
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel