*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
You Might Also Like
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
the composer
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
This January has 47 Mondays
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?