Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
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“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.