I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
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My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]