Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
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King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies