Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
You Might Also Like
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Oh hi lol
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Finally, an explanation.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
bro what is going on at twitter
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here