Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
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Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe