“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
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My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.