I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
You Might Also Like
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
🤣😂🤣
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.