The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
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Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Stop sending me this shit.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.