Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
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Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Cartman: Respect my
a a
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something