Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
The point of your 20s
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.