Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
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It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan