*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
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Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?