If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
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Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”