Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
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white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?