dam girl
You Might Also Like
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”