Just a friendly reminder!
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When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Mornin
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
The smoothest fall of all time
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”