DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
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I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.