[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
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Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”