What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Meow
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?