Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
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When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Feel. He’s so soft.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Sharon, call the vet
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on