HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
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It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse