*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
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me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.