*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
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i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁