Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
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Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
PER MY LAST EMAIL
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma: