I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
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Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.