Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
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“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.