“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
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Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale