just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
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[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you