Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
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st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.