People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
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I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
#parenting
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
those birds must be on payroll
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Become a minion. Get that bread.