I may be small, but so is a grenade.
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Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.