A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
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FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird